A Tale of Two Hospital Appointments


The allotted hour had arrived.  I made sure that I was fully hydrated so that my veins were plump with blood ready for the taking.  I was called in by my oncologist and not a nurse.  So far, so good.

“So, Anna how can I help you?”

“Well it’s about the recommendations that the Christie advised?  Changing my treatment to an androgen based one?”

She looked at me blankly.

“You got the letter, right?”

She shook her head.  I sighed and gave her my copy to read.  It was an awkward five minutes.  The letter outlined things that she had probably never heard of.  I offered to leave the room and give her time to take it in.  She refused but left briefly to take a copy of it.  She was unsure.  Unsure of the funding for the androgen treatment.  She would need to contact the Christie for further information about that.  Mr Salivary Gland gave the impression that this wasn’t an issue, but she wasn’t so confident.  However, if it wasn’t an issue, she would be happy to oversee it. 

I left feeling really deflated.  I had built this appointment up and convinced myself that things would finally get going.  Instead I got a don’t call us, we’ll call you with a provisional appointment booked in three weeks’ time to discuss it further.  Humph.

Unbeknownst to me, at the same time this was happening, my seven-year-old nephew was wowing audiences in his end of year production, where he was playing Neil Armstrong.  Yes, that Neil Armstrong.  He of one small step and all that.  Best not to ask why.

This meant that my family, quite rightly, were absorbed by this performance and assumed that my appointment was just a procedural thing.  I sent them a text to which my Dad’s response of “Crikey” summed up the situation pretty well.  My sister, on the other hand, was quite positive.  We came up with a plan where I would email the Christie and explain the situation.  I would also say that I would be happy to have the treatment in Manchester if it was definitely a no go in Nottingham.

One appointment down, one to go.  The second one was with a speech therapist and a dietician.  My speech and swallowing have got a lot worse in recent weeks.  Although I can swallow liquids, when it comes to food, it backs up in my throat, causing me to gag.  This means that eating anything takes me twice as long as it normally does.  The upshot to this is that now I can fit into a pair of jeans I couldn’t three years ago, but it is draining and affecting my energy levels.

Rather embarrassingly I was slightly late for the appointment. However, this was shrugged away, and we got going.  Apparently, my soft palate isn’t functioning that well.  I was taught some simple exercises, such as holding my nose when I swallow and given a load of liquid supplements to fortify my diet. overall the appointment was really positive.  I left feeling a lot more in control of the situation.  Maybe my sister was right.  Things weren’t that bad after all.




The I – Word

As the end of the academic year approaches, I’ve had to pop into work. Every student who completes an exam has their name inserted in the all-important claim spreadsheet.  As I left in rather a hurry in May, I had a sneaky suspicion that although my students’ names were entered, their outcome, if they passed or failed, may not have been.  So, I needed to pop in to ensure that this all-important spreadsheet was present and correct.

Although I was looking forward to catching up with my fantastic colleagues, I was approaching the day with a heavy heart.  Being at work seems a lifetime away. I was bound to get emotional about it.  I was also going to take a mental note how many times I would hear the word inspiration or inspiring.

I’ve been having a problem with those two words as I don’t feel either in any way.  When someone says this to me, I have no idea how to respond.  If I say well yes, thank you of course I’m an inspiration, I sound like a complete knobhead.  Yet if I do the opposite and contest it, it makes the person who said it feel awful and once again you look like a knobhead.

I’ve never been good at compliments at the best of times, but these two words do leave me speechless.  I remember reading about the para athlete Hannah Cockroft taking issue with some BBC reporter about it.  I couldn’t find the interview, but I found a great outlook on it by another para athlete Richard Whitehead.

I’ve seen Richard Whitehead.  A couple of years my mum and I volunteered to be happy clappers at mile twenty-five of the London Marathon for Macmillan.  It was a great day, standing on the London Embankment in the sun, cheering away.  Most of the runners by mile twenty-five were in a bit of a bad state, quite understandably.  However, when Richard ran by, he was as fresh as a daisy.  Richard has both his legs amputated above the knee.  This means that he doesn’t wear the blade type prosthetics but ones that are completely solid.  To see him breeze by so easily was …well… inspirational.

Richard believes that if he can inspire people to do things, then he’s happy about being called inspirational.  I can see this point of view.  Yet I can’t see how I am an inspiration.  Richard and Hannah work hard and do something.  At the moment, I am doing nothing.  I am just ill and getting on with my life the best I can.  However, something happened a couple of weeks ago that made me question this.  My story was published in the Maggie’s Centre in house magazine.  A woman I had never met before, read my story and told me that after reading it, she plucked up the courage to go and get a second opinion about her cancer.  So, if in a little way if I can inspire people to ask more questions about their lives and how they live them, then that is a good thing.

Lead, Follow or F*** Off


My husband is a man of few words.  When he does speak those words tend to be of the Anglo Saxon variety.  While talking about how others  should react to our current predicament, he summed it up pretty well.  They should either lead, follow or f*** off.

Fortunately most of my family and friends fall into the second category.  The support we have received has been so immense that I can get quite emotional about it.  No one has entered the third category which I know isn’t the case for some people living with cancer.  However there is one person who is firmly in the first category. She has led the way throughout this whole ordeal and that’s my sister.

When you look at me and my sister, you can tell we are sisters.  We have the same hair, eye and skin colouring.  My sister is petite and sporty looking while I am taller and a bit chunkier.  We share the same sense of humour and on the whole we have always got on pretty well.

How we differ is in our outlook on life.  I’m quite laid back on the whole and take a general que sera outlook on the world.  My sister questions everything.  Why are you doing that?  How did you get here?  Why don’t you want an ice cream?  It goes on and on.

My sister is far more scientific and logical than I am.  She studied physiotherapy, stayed at home and got a good, steady job as a physiotherapist.  I studied Politics, went 150 miles away to Leicester Uni, got drunk quite a lot, taught abroad for a couple of years before somehow landing in Nottingham and getting a job at a Further Education college teaching English as a Second Language. Yet she has saved my life twice.

The first time was when I had a nagging toothache and earache which the antibiotics from the GP weren’t doing anything for.  She kept pushing and pushing until finally I went to see Mr C privately and eventually got diagnosed.  I’ll never forget her first encounter with Mr C.  She was six months pregnant with my nephew at the time.  Mr C smarmed into the room where she proceeded to interrogate the life out of him.  You could see he was wondering who on earth this slightly manic pregnant woman was.

The second time she saved my life was when I had my first reoccurance.  The news knocked us all for six.  My husband and I went on a Caribbean cruise during which I reached some kind of acceptance of the situation.  I started to think of plans and made a will for the inevitable to happen.  But my sister refused to accept this.  She managed to organise an appointment for me to see one of the best brain surgeons in the country.  It was a nightmare trying to get scans, blood work and other stuff all together in a matter of days,  Somehow it all came together.  The conclusion?  Although an operation was out of the question, he would pass my notes onto the Royal Marsden.  A couple of days later I had a call from my oncologist.  They were prepared to give me a second round of radiotherapy thanks to the intervention from the Marsden. This meant that when the cancer reoccurred again a year later, we knew to go straight to the Marsden.

I have learnt a lot from my sister.  I now take control over everything to do with my cancer.  I get scan reports, histology reports, everything.  Although you are powerless over the disease itself, there are some areas you can control.  I feel very lucky to have my sister constantly questioning everything.  It can be irritating at times but you know it’s for the best.  When my letter from the Christie came through, I popped down to see my family and watch the football.  I showed my parents the letter but halfway down on the A3 to her house, I realised I had forgotten to take the letter to show my sister.

“Don’t mention it to her.” advised Dad.

As soon as we got there and I had a cup of tea in my hand.

“So let’s have a look at this letter then…”


Letter Limbo


It’s not nice, waiting.  Time to take the bull by the horns.  After a few dead ends I finally got to speak to Mr Salivary Gland’s secretary.  She was lovely.  She hadn’t heard anything from the Prof so told me to give the Marsden a call.  She gave me her direct line to keep in touch. I phoned the Prof.  Rummage, rummage, ah yes! Found the letter and it just needs to be verified by the Prof.  Will be in the post by the end of today.  Promise.


The weekend came and went as did Monday.  On Tuesday deep breathe and I called Mr Salivary Gland’s secretary.  She had heard nothing, nada. Called the Prof again.  Ah yes! No, the Prof isn’t in clinic today so won’t be able to verify the letter. He’ll definitely do it tomorrow.  No we can’t send an email.  Referrals can only be done by letters. Humph.


Wednesday and a letter for me from the Prof explaining what had happened during our consultation.  Mr Salivary Gland had been copied in.  Looks promising.  Scan it to his secretary! My sister cried. But I don’t have her email! Was my response.  Slight pause.  Photocopy it and post it to him! My sister countered back.  Good idea.  So, I did that and also copied by scan report for good measure.  Posted it all at the post office with a little note explaining it all with my contact details and back to waiting I went.


Then a chink of light.  An email from Mr Salivary Gland’s secretary.  We had at last reached the 21st century. Letter and scan report received.  Could she have my oncologist’s secretary number to get my histology history?  I ran upstairs, emptied a drawer and found it.  Emailed it back and asked if they would like a CD containing images of my scan? Yes, please was the answer.  It was half four.  The post office closed at five.  So, I tore down to the post office and sent the CD off by recorded delivery.  Will be there by Friday morning I was assured.  Got back home and collapsed on the sofa.  Now the real waiting game could commence.


Snakes and Ladders


Then you realise. The eye, the mouth. That was all a distraction. It was a Friday morning and I had just finished hoovering. I had my treatment today so I was tidying up for the nurse. The phone rang. It was my oncologist. My scan results were in. It wasn’t good. I managed to keep it together on the phone. Just. When I hung up it all came out. Not again. I was going to have to go through it all again.
I called my parents. Again I managed to keep it together quite well. They were going to come up with my sister. Phone the Marsden was the message. I phoned the Marsden. My oncologist had said she had written to them. We needed action now. The Prof’s secretary didn’t work on Friday so no appointment could be made. I would have to wait over an agonising weekend before anything could be done.
The nurse arrived. I asked my oncologist whether it was worth carrying on with my existing treatment. She said yes as it might slow down the growth. The nurse got the brunt of it. However she listened, gave the treatment and went. That’s all I wanted. Someone to listen.
My parents and sister arrived and we had a lovely weekend together. Monday came around and bang on nine, I called the Marsden. The earliest appointment was in three weeks’ time. My parents and sister were hoping for it to be earlier. I wasn’t too upset as it meant I could tie things up at work. The secretary said it was worth calling later on in the week in case there had been any cancellations. Worth a try.
My parents and sister went home and I sent yet another dreaded email to work explaining the situation. The response was amazing. I had reduced my teaching hours because the problems I was having speaking, so it was quite easy to have an extraction plan. I met with my manager who was extremely sympathetic. I made a promise that I would definitely be back for September. Although a few tears were shed, it’s a promise I will keep.
On Wednesday I decided to test the secretary’s word and call to see if there had been any cancellations. There had and my appointment was brought forward by two weeks. At last a chink. The following Tuesday I had an appointment with my oncologist. She wasn’t there so I was seen by a dumb struck registrar who didn’t know what to say. I asked if it was possible to have my scan.
“Here.” She handed me all the notes that she had about me and the scan. It was all gobbledegook to me but at least it was something. She also told me to speak to the data department within the hospital to get a CD of my scan. I thanked her and did just that.
D Day arrived at the Marsden. The Prof was there and as ever was fantastic. We gave him my notes from the registrar and sat waiting for the verdict.  Radiotherapy was not an option because of the way the cancer had spread. The only option to kerb it would be chemical. There were no trials at the Marsden currently due to the rarity and location of the cancer. However the Prof knew a man.
There was a doctor at the Christie Hospital in Manchester whose speciality was salivary gland cancer. He was looking at the genetics of the tumours and developing drugs connected with those genetics. He was going to refer me to him so that my tumour could be tested to see if it was suitable. If not, another round of chemo could dampen things down a little.
My mum is from Manchester and I have two cousins who live near there. If it had been any other city in the UK, we would have been stuffed. We shook hands trusting the Prof to keep his end of the bargain and secure the appointment with Mr Salivary Gland in Manchester. The waiting game had begun.

Shout! Shout! Let It All Out!

“It’s not fully closed is it?”  My husband was looking into my eyes but it wasn’t sweet nothings he was whispering.  “You need to go back to Eye Casualty.”

As I was descending the stairs down to Eye Casualty, someone prodded my shoulder.

“Ayup! Back again!”

It was one of the nurses who was on the ward when I was admitted.  I got the same reaction from the receptionist and the sister in Eye Casualty.  After a three hour wait with a prisoner, which caused a flutter of excitement, I was seen by a very efficient doctor.  He gave me gel as opposed to drops and told me to come back on Friday.  Double sigh.

Friday dawned and it seemed not better nor any worse.  It was the same receptionist as Monday.  We chatted a bit about the wait times.  I told her how amazed I thought the doctor was, taking time to assess me properly when he knew he had a room full of patients outside, champing at the bit.

“We take the same time as we always have done.  It’s just that the demand is so intense, we don’t have the staff nor the resources to shorten the wait times.”

It was quite refreshing to hear this.  I don’t think that is the case for all hospital departments nor patients.  This week a shocking report was released about people with learning difficulties.  The main finding was that this group of people’s life expectancy was thirty years less that the rest of the population.  Part of the reason was because the issues involved in the patients and their families had in communication.  There were some shocking case studies.  One poor lad died of constipation because he couldn’t communicate what was wrong.  Another more famous case was that of Colin Sparrowhawk.  He drowned in a bath because inconsistency of care.  Yes there was a report and recommendations but nothing gets done.  In fact it’s probably worse.

While I was in hospital, I ran out of water.  When the nurse eventually arrived I timidly asked for some, knowing how busy she was.

“You need to shout more loudly, duck.  You won’t get anything in this place if you don’t.”

She’s bang on.  You need to shout about for just about everything.  But what if you can’t shout?  What happens then?

We Are All Individuals

“I’ve seen you, before haven’t I?” asked the friendly Scotsman. I smiled.  In any other circumstance I would be flattered.  On this occasion he was leading me down a brightly lit corridor and into a broom cupboard.  There he would be giving me a local anaesthetic, so I could have my left shut for good.  Finally.

The anaesthetic was administered, and Alana arrived.  She would be performing the procedure.  We were on first name terms now, which in a hospital setting, is not necessarily a good thing.  The surgery was performed without a hitch.  After a complimentary cup of tea, biscuits, an epic wait in pharmacy and a penalty tram fare, I was home.  Phew.

After a fantastic week in Devon I was back on my home turf, the eye outpatient clinic.  It was more packed than usual.  Maybe the raised chocolate consumption over Easter led to more eye issues?  Who knows? Although my appointment was for 1:30pm, I was called through at 2:15pm, which meant I could watch Doctors, which is a guilty pleasure of mine.  So, I arrived in the examining room in quite a good mood.

However, the doctor wasn’t Alana.  It was a tired looking registrar who clearly hadn’t read my notes.  An interrogation ensued, and it was quite clear that I wasn’t giving the right answers.  It revolved the medication I was on which I had forgotten to bring with me.  I’d be damned if I could remember the names of the stupid things.  I just put them in my eye.  End of.  She wasn’t happy.  I was spat out and told to wait for when Alans was next free.

I sat in the waiting room feeling like a right numbskull.  I was easily the youngest in there.  How would my older compadres cope in such an interrogation?  Then I twigged it.  I was at fault because I was individual.  My older compadres fitted neatly into their boxes for glaucoma, cataracts, you name it.  They could be sorted.  Me?  Well I was way too individual for that.

I smiled and thought of one of my favourite films, Life of Brian.  Brian, somehow becomes seen as The Messiah.  In one scene, he opens his curtains, walks onto his balcony, fully naked, only to be greeted by a mob of people shouting “Messiah! Messiah!” Once he has put his clothes on, Brian confronts them telling them that they are all individuals and should believe what they want to believe and not follow him.  The crowd chant back what he says.  His message gets lost and the crowd begin following him wherever he goes.

I felt a bit like Brian with that doctor.  I was trying to tell the doctor my individual condition.  She was repeating it back to me but not really listening.  She was trying to find a nice comfortable box to put me in so that she would know what to do.

It’s very easy to label and box people.  It happens all the time and our tick box culture does not help.  Listening is such a powerful skill and is rarely used.  Patients aren’t listened to.  Parents aren’t listened to.  Children and teenagers aren’t listened to.  Doctors and nurses aren’t listened to.  Sadly, the list gets ever longer.

I finally saw Alana.  She was happy.  My ulcer was smaller, and she prescribed some weaker antibiotics.  I also a week off from going to the eye clinic.  Things were looking up.